I mentioned earlier that I will talk more on the attachment styles and how they show up in our lives

Someone with anxious attachment often develops this style from childhood experiences where their needs weren’t met consistently. Their care givers/ guardians/parents most likely had an unpredictable emotional availability. Maybe the parents worked long hours, or had two jobs, stress in the house, mental health struggles, or unresolved trauma. This doesn’t necessarily mean they were uncaring; they might have been loving at times, with inconsistency in the way of responding. One day they could be warm and attentive, another time they might be distracted, stressed and so on, but the child didn’t know what to expect. If a child experiences these inconsistent patterns from a care giver, it leaves a lasting imprint and relate to others.  

People with anxious attachment often show core traits and general behaviours like hypersensitivity to rejection, remember it’s always at the back of their mind, so they are constantly scanning for any signs of abandonment, criticism, or disinterest.

They experience emotions intensely of highs and lows. That fear of abandonment is difficult even if minor distance for a night out can cause anxiety, or having not replied to their text messages can be threatening.

Their overthinking and rumination are often seen as the worst-case scenario, replaying conversations and interpret ambiguous cues from their prospective not as it actually is in reality. Example you didn’t message me back, “you don’t care!!”. When the person may have had a meeting when the anxious attached messaged, or their phone wasn’t on.  This is a constant loop in their mind as their relationships take up a lot of their thoughts.

                                    Anxious Attachment in Adult Relationships

When in a relationship their behavioural patterns tend to show up as a constant need for closeness, clinging with reassurance, with a tendency for over dependency, if a loved one is emotionally or physically distant. If a child had the inconsistent patterns from a care giver happen, it has a lasting imprint.

Their jealousy can be assumption based. This might look like they monitor their partners behaviours with friends, or social media, looking at their phone even. With disagreements they can be amplified into huge mountains without respect or solution, through screaming, crying they aren’t the best at communicating their needs and they can assume rejection. And, when it’s good it’s good, they high feelings of affection and closeness are intense. When the extreme low emotions happen it looks like distancing, even shuts down creating chaos due to intensity throughout the relationship.

 By not having the trust in others or themselves they push people away, test people’s commitment, by over analysing, imaging betrayals with rejection, even criticism that isn’t there. Manipulation isn’t necessarily malicious but a more strategic behaviour such as guilt tripping, passive aggressive, people pleasing to have control over the relationship, clinginess framed as care, to bind the partner closer.

 All these behaviours are ways to manage the fear of rejection. Often, people with anxious attachment struggle to recognise and communicate their true needs, which may be driven by shame. These cycles usually happen subconsciously, but understanding the roots of these patterns can help break them.

         Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Relationships Combined Together.

Anxious with an Avoidant pairing are often a difficult dynamic. The anxious craves closeness, connection, and bonding wanting “together as one”. The avoidant partner craves independence and tends to distance themselves from emotional intimacy. Both attachment styles struggle to communicate their needs effectively. The anxious nervous system can feel up and down, craving connection intensely, While the avoidant will feel overwhelmed or pulls away, sometimes even “ghosting” to manage the intensity. It creates the classic runner and chaser dynamic, where one pursues and the other withdraws.

   “If you notice yourself in this dynamic, Ask: What am I craving? What am I avoiding? How can I communicate my needs without escalating the chase pull cycle?”